Saturday, January 26, 2013

Meat-Grinder Madness

The columns of clouds like the above over Lemon Bay this week are very common here in South Florida.  These “micro-burst” pillars can deliver lightning and showers on the dime, yet a mere mile away it can be sunny and electric-free.  Meanwhile, back to hard-hitting news. . . .

Up on that Third World canker called Washington, D.C., pit bulls actually run loose in the streets, free as man-eating tigers in India.  No, not everything in D.C. is “Hail to the Chief” or the Smithsonian or political corruption or planning more Middle-Eastern wars.  Back in the 'hoods the law of the jungle prevails.

A little kid was riding his new bike the other day when three meat-grinders--pit bulls, looking for something small and slow to kill--decided to give it a shot.  It was no contest, of course.  The blood-thirsty killers quickly caught the child and locked their hammerheads on his arms and legs.  A man who happened to see the attack ran back into his house.  Why?  Was he a coward?  Was he afraid to watch the carnage?  Nope.  He came back out with his pistol asmokin'.  He killed one of the ugly things and forced the others to back off somewhat.  At that moment, a bike cop appeared and shot the other two beasts with blood and bone just a drippin' from their chops.  Nice shooting, gentlemen. 

Meanwhile, the mauled kid was rushed to a hospital, covered with horrible wounds and bleeding badly.  As of this typing, the child is still alive, but barely.

“The injuries are terrible,” said the kid’s uncle.  “This boy is traumatized. . . . He told me he doesn’t want to go outside anymore. He’s too scared.”

The dogs’ owner was found and disturbed from whatever amusement he was occupied with.  He was fined for failure to leash his loving pets--$25 per customer—then he was assessed a whopping $100 more for allowing his “great with children” canines to attack and nearly kill people.  Had the story ended there the ending would have been rotten enough but. . . .

City officials, in the best tradition of darkest Africa, are considering charging the citizen shooter who saved the child’s life with illegally discharging his firearm on a D.C. street.  This is no minor rap.  The charge carries a $1,000 fine and up to one year in prison.   Also, it is not known if the gun was legally registered or not and that might tack on another year or more.

Truly, the Democratic People's Republic of Washington, D.C. is an Orwellian zoo of freaks, geeks, tweeks, and hunchbacks where laws regulating firearms are strictly enforced yet murderous predators, both two- and four-legged, roam the streets almost with impunity. Nice.

Gross—Tried to rest at my half-way point today and found it nigh-on impossible.  Red Tide.  A myriad of vultures circling above.  Red Tide.  Swarms of flies below.  Red Tide.  Scores of squawing sea gulls standing on shore in the center, sated from the slaughter.  Red Tide.  And everywhere, Everywhere, EVERYWHERE, the smell of rotting fish. Red Tide.   The stench seems to stick to the skin and clothing.  Red Tide.  No way could I, as of yore, lay back, siestacize for ten or twenty, get my legs back, then blaze new trails on my bike. Red Tide.  Hold my nose and scoot.  Red Tide.  What a friggen curse.  Red Tide.  And it has been this way for at least one month.  Wow.  RED TIDE!

Canal Control--Since they were dragging a long, unnatural body of water over at North Port today, I thought I might have another “death-by-canal” to report.  But, alas, the crazy old loon they were looking for had simply strolled away from his keepers and they found him—where else?—in a Walmart trying on women’s underwear and bras.   I’m sure there will be something to report on this coming week when a canal claims a geezer or two for seldom do two days pass without a canal snatching someone.  For any of you in other parts of the world who want to get rid of the FOPs (Fuggin’ Old People) in your midst, just get your city or county to construct a long, unnatural body of water or two—build a canal and they'll come, trust me.  Problem solved.

Future Car of the Day