Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Dum & Dummer

I am really beginning to believe that those who can't make it elsewhere in America move to Florida--better to be warm and poor than be cold and poor.  And I am also really beginning to believe that those who can't make it elsewhere in Florida move to Englewood.  Every day, it seems, the demographics here just get dim and dimmer and dum and dummer.

Magic Motorcycles--Up north, any time of the year, a motorcycle fatality is a fairly rare event.  Up there, a biker getting killed usually has something to do with someone younger than 80 who has either flash-fried his brain with a mountain of meth or he has flood his blood with a river of rot gut. Down here? 

Down here a motorcycle is just another way of moving old lard around since every other vehicle on our roads is either a Harley transporting a tattooed tub of guts or a Harley  lugging a gray beard geezer, or, as is more commonly the case, a Harley toting both a tattooed tub of guts and a gray beard geezer, all in one package. 

Saturday afternoon, Elmer Morra was over in Port Charlotte, enjoying his magic motorcycle and the great "winter" weather only the Sunshine State can deliver.  Up ahead, a young man in his car pulled out from a stop sign.  Of course, the teen didn’t see Morra.  Nope, the teen didn’t see Morra and Morra didn’t see the teen . . . until it was way too late, that is.  Elmer is now 82 forever—say what?—Elmer is now 82-years-old forever.

Back in 2008, back when he was a wild and reckless lad of 77, Morra was out on another magic motorcycle when he saw a hit and run car accident occur right in front of him.  Elmer didn't even have to think to think.  Gunning the throttle, the outraged biker chased down, cornered and put the kibosh on the culprit until the blue lights arrived.   Fittingly for Florida, the hit and runner had just crashed into and crushed the life from some 77-year-old geezer in a golf cart.  Not making a word of this up folks, I swear (altho we have a ton of motorcycle fatalities down here, bike bang-ups have a long way to go before they rival canals and golf carts as leading causes of death among Florida fossils).

Magic motorcycles?  Because they are invisible.  Sorry to lose old Elmer like that, but even if the kid wasn’t texting or yaking on his cell or packing a blunt or whatever, no way would he have ever seen someone on a two-wheeled vehicle.  Hell, take it from me, no one ever sees the magic bike, motorized or not. 

Odd—After watching “To Catch a Predator” reruns last night, I was just flirting with the notion of reporting on the lack of local news from the kiddie porn world this past week and how there were zero internet sex stings and how this, in and of itself, is such MAJOR NEWS here in southern Florida.  But alas, the pervs, just in the tick of nime, rode to the rescue. 

Over in--where else?--North Port yesterday a 39-year-old man was hauled away for stashing kiddie porn on his PC.  The miscreant worked at--where else?--a local grade school. 

Meanwhile, up near Tampa, a sweep this weekend also netted a rich haul of pervs.  Eight over-sexed and under-smart wretches classified as “adults” showed up at the sting house on Saturday hoping to meet little kids for sex.  Instead of sex with tots, however, every steaming dog pile was caught, cuffed and is now safely in jail, just a jerkin’ his gherkin to his depraved heart’s content.

Down here among the seniles and savages, it seems the well is never dry when it comes to sex-crazed degenerates who dream of kids as their sex pets.  The kiddie porn industry is, unfortunately, always bullish down here and business is always booming. 

Speaking of Booming Business--Judging by our local fish wrap one might assume that the so-called Jewish Holocaust had occurred just yesterday, rather than nearly 70 years ago.  Seems a day seldom passes that we are not reminded how much the Jews have suffered in the past, poor dears.  No less than two major features in yesterday’s paper alone.  Guess the lead story of 250 mere mortals dying in a nightclub blaze down Brazil way was just too much competition for these ever-vigilant ghouls in the Holocaust Industry and they had to crank out some more sympathy to wring more bucks from whatever company or nation they are shaking down this week.  Sorry.  Anyone who creates an annual multi-billion dollar industry by beating us over the head with guilt and anyone who starts all sort of mischief in the Middle East and then reminds us how justified they are in grabbing land and murdering whoever they don't like is never going to wring any guilt, pity or money from me.  Also, I have noticed over the years that whenever the Industry really dials up the Holocaust horror show that's when they commit some violent act somewhere in the world and use the same sympathy shtick as a smoke screen.  Get ready.

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