Thursday, January 17, 2013

بہت اچھے کھلنا! জট্টিল পুষ্প! అద్భుతం బ్లూజమ్!

The title above is Urdu, Bengali and Telugu for Awesome Blossom!   Today, the rarest of all days—a double-dinger.  Going down the island and over the south draw bridge to Englewood, I had a strong tail wind.  Coming back across the north drawbridge and down the island I had a strong tail wind.  The wind had shifted utterly at the perfect moment and tho I did get a dousing from the clouds, t’was well worth it.  I made the normal hour and twenty trip in a record one hour under.  That means I averaged 20 MPH for the entire circuit.  As I’ve heard Michelle say dozens of times: “Awesome Blossom!”


Mensa Members Making Memories

1)  Practical Jokes, making people look like idiots, has been around quite a while.  Most folks love the old slip-on-the-banana-peal routine (last time I saw that one done was when Kramer went on his butt and the canned laughter from the Seinfield rerun went nutz--as it does for virtually everything else--sigh).  “Candid Camera” was popular in the 60’s at catching people being slow, simple and stupid.  More recently, a pie in the kisser while self-important people are making serious statements on camera was the rage.  So, it’s only natural that the more unstable among us will push the envelope just a bit, or a lot of bits, further.  Some aspiring artistic genius, 18-year-old Charlie Ross from upcoast at Bradenton, has been running around being stupid most of his teenage years by playing practical jokes on folks, ala the “Jackass” program.  Charlie then posts his “work” on You Tube. 

Recently, in the name of “artistic expression,” Ross just walks up to pretty girls and gives ‘em a lip smack hard on the honey hole.  Their reactions are posted on the Tube.  Now, Ross has graduated to a line of more “serious humanities study” by giving guys wedgies.  For those who don’t know: Wedgies are when someone grabs another by the back of his fruit of the looms then yanks up very hard so as to make the embarrassed victim feel like a complete douche bag.  It’s all okay, I suppose, if you are a struggling young artist like Charlie Ross; not okay if you are the d-bag victim walking around with your arms sticking out like a penguin.  I’m sure Ross always picks on much smaller kids since larger ones, once they pried the wedgie loose from their crotch, would beat Ross’ artistic ass six ways from Sunday when they caught him. 

Cops did arrest this fool for his wedgie routine but not until he had posted his artist work on the Tube. Next up for Ross:  Maybe conking people with cue balls or tossing sulphuric acid in their pants or . . . oh, who knows?  The possibilities are endless for an up-and-coming creative murderer like Charlie Ross.

Cops better keep an eye on this anything-for-attention "artist."

2)  Bad Samaritan—Local rocket scientist, 43-year-old Rene Glynn, found a smart phone in the restroom of a Walmart and instead of reporting it to Lost & Found she took it.  Now, Rene didn’t really need the expensive phone—she had already stolen a new one the week before so that she could continue making her drug deals in a timely and stylish manner.  Nope, instead Rene called the owner’s number and demanded $100 as her “finder’s fee” for returning the thing.  Okaaaaaay. . . .

At the same Walmart where this great criminal transaction would take place, the cops, of course, were waiting.  They took Rene away without incident, other than, of course, her professing her complete innocence in the matter and that her rights were being violated and her human dignity was being trampled and no, she has never used drugs in her life and . . .  oh, whatever.  

For her piece of brilliance, Glynn got two new raps to add to her yard long sheet: grand theft and dealing in stolen property. Must have needed some quick dough for that fast fix and with only half her brain functioning it’s pretty clear to me that Rene just wasn't using that other half much either.  Whatever, the thief now has ample time to reflect on her stupidity, courtesy of the county.

3)  A brain surgeon up in Michigan knocked off a McDonalds a few months back and he liked the service so much that he thought he might stop in again, this time not to rob but to eat.  That Big Mac attack proved expensive.  Yes, someone recognized this 40-year-old math professor and he is consuming cold calories now, again, courtesy of the county.

Fast cash, fast food, fast conviction, fast prison, fast fool . . . simple.

4)  Seems this awful affinity, this murderous magnetism, this hypnotic hankerin' that seniors possess which compels them to walk, creep or crawl near canals, and to their deaths, is not something new.  This morning a car was pulled from one of our local, long, muddy, murky, unnatural bodies of water (we call ‘em “canals”) where it had lain undiscovered for two decades.  Back in ‘93, Frances Hendrickson disappeared while driving her big blue Buick station wagon over the bay at Fat Tip (we call it “Punta Gorda”).  Foul play was, of course, suspected back then but it now seems that the 64-year-old woman, like so many other age-challenged oldsters down here (we call ‘em geezers), just simply drove to her death on a bright, sunny day when only a few blocks from home.  Canals and old people—sorta sounds like the Bermuda Triangle and ships.  If you know the geezers here and if you understand the Sunshine State, it all makes sense.  Oldsters here almost never kick the bucket on their own.  By the time they reach 80 they are pretty proficient at living and dragging the whole mess out.  These cautious critters almost never kill themselves while boring holes through Walmart walls or backing over poor dodgers in mall parking lots, or squashing we bikers like bugs on the road--so they gotta go somehow.  Canals make sense.  Canals are unnature’s way of making room for the next generation of Florida fossils.


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