Thursday, January 24, 2013

Fun With Food

When one gets bored with food they can eat it, I suppose, or they can play with it, I suppose, or they can write about it, I suppose.  Above, I give you something you can eat, play with and write about all in one fell swoop.  I give you the Rubic’s Cheese and Fruit Cube . . . brilliant!

Some thoughts on Florida fauna. . . .

Far from being shamed or ostracized because they keep fully loaded killing machines around, the number of pitbull owners is growing not shrinking, if Englewood is any indication.  Yes, as we transition here in Florida from a kinder, gentler sort of place to a meaner, more savage society, them's the numbers.  Seldom does a day pass that I do not see at least one person over there out walking while his pit is straining at the leash to kill me.  Now, if I see one pit bull per day on my quick whiz through Englewood, you can bet your tookie that there are at least ten others in town running loose somewhere.  Maybe instead of banning or neutering all pits we should just ban or spay their owners.  Maybe that is a win/win solution and an answer to many problems, as per loose pit bulls, drug-dealing, wife-beatings, child abuse, Walmart thievery, five-finger discounts at Dollar General, etc.

Also for the past two weeks, seldom do I open this local fish wrap in the morning without a least one photo of some grinning nimrod grotesquely holding either a dead python looped over his shoulders or a dead python’s head in his hands.  As many of you know, Florida Fish and Game brains have thrown up their arms in surrender; they cannot alone stop the proliferation of these hideous Burmese Pythons and so they have called in every red-blooded red neck and every local loser swamp cracker they can find.  Money is the incentive, and never, it seems, has greed been better served; but it ain’t so easy.  Never in the course of human events have so many done so much and accomplished so little than on this Grand Sunshine State Snake Safari.  Enormous as they are, the reptile nightmares are well concealed by their camouflage.  And--unless they are hunting--these creatures seldom venture out for just a spin around the block.  These two factors make it incredibly hard to find them.  Add to this that the ugly beasts lay hundreds of eggs per anno and you have the recipe for a horrific eco-disaster.   As of this typing, a grand total of twenty-seven (27) have been caught and killed.

Here in Florida, the voracious beasts have pretty much wiped out wild life in the Glades.  After they finish off the last coon, possum, gator, hog, and bear, then I reckon they will spread out and either start eatin’ theyselves, as a cracker might say, or commence to hunting we’uns.  Nice.  T'is a pity we cannot roust out the cretins who, out of the “kindness” of their cold hearts, let these killers loose in the first place, no doubt because the snake had gotten a mite too large to care for in such a small apartment with all the pit bulls and such running around and, since the arrival of the baby, maybe a 200 lb. hungry python was just a tad too dangerous, too.

Pit bulls, pythons, homicidal humans—once we are in the power of any of these killers, getting down on our knees and praying to God for help is pretty pointless.  A pit will maul you in a minute, a python will swallow you slowly and the human will cut your head off and all the prayers on earth ain’t a gonna save your bacon.  No, God helps those that helps theyselves, as a Florida cracker might say, and any media persona and any corrupt politician who argues otherwise and tells us’uns to turn in our weapons is simply suggesting that we should die like slaves on our knees praying to God.

Bad Way to Go, # 698—Kelly DeRego of nearby Punta Gorda was a part-time caretaker of some old gal.  Kelly was also a full-time thief.  Anyway, long-story short, Kelly the caretaker took care of the old lady alright; DeRego decided the other day she needed some quality time to herself and so, she “borrowed” her charge’s debit card, as well as her car keys, then stepped out for a few.  After racking up $600 on the card that afternoon, Kel was just a groovin’ down Harborview Road, druggin,’ drinkin,’ drivin,’ doin’ whatever she had a mind to do.  Unfortunately, that mind was not entirely on the road and Kelly soon crashed head-on into another car.  And thus, tho DeRego may have come into this world as innocent as a new born lamb, as they say, she exited this big blue ball as guilty as sin--stealin,’ deceivin,’ lyin,' druggin,’ drinkin,’ and wreckless drivin.’  Kelly is now on ice, 49 forever. 

Ice Cube IQ—What’s up?  Seems like once or twice a week some dim dillweed is caught walking out of a local Walmart with a huge flat screen TV in their shopping cart.  On some occasions--depending on the amount of meth they just had--they try to lift two!  Yesterday, Sharika Shanika Smith was observed just a waddling out into the parking lot with not one but two “home theater systems” in her rattling cart.  I guess intellectual titans like Sharika Shanika figure that the stores are so big that no one would ever notice if just a few of “something” were wheeled out without paying.  Fact is: Walmart didn’t get big by letting people steal from them.  Whatever, I hope the county keeps Ms. Smith and her silly name until she has learned her . . . oh, whatever . . . people like this are not smart enough to learn anything, much less learn complicated moral lessons like “I won’t steal no mo what ain’t rightfully mine.”  

Note to Charlotte County: Please do us all a favor and just keep SSS until judgment day or until hell freezes over, whichever comes first.  And for God’s sake, whatever you do don’t let it out so that it can breed and create more things just like it!

Million Dollar Mugshots--William (Bill) Gates