Monday, April 09, 2012

Hail to the Chimp

Some dim dude was driving somewhere here in Florida the other day (exactly where in Florida don’t much matter since it’s all the same—palm trees, jungles, condos, geezers, meth addicts, serial killer dump sites back in the hog paths) . . .

. . . and when he stopped at a rest stop somewhere here in Florida to drain his weasel his monkey escaped.  No, not that kind of “monkey,” you pervert, a real live actual, itching, flea-eating simian-type monkey.  What this gentleman was doing driving around with an ape in the car, no one has yet explained, but . . . when last seen the monk was spotted swinging his way north, up in the vines and limbs above, headed toward the White House in Washington where he figgered he could do just as much good as any of the last three or four chimps who sat in and corrupted the Oval Office. 

But anyway, a pity the monkey moved on.  Had he hung around a bit longer here in Florida no doubt we'd have about a million more monkeys in a year or two. . . .

What we green-minded, tree-hugging, eco-freak, veggie types need to do is find the last remaining mountain gorillas, the last dwarf rhinos, the last Asian tigers, and maybe some more such last species, box them up, ship them to Florida, then turn 'em loose.  Simple.  My bet is that if TV nature shows will leave them alone and not be chasing them around with helicopters and ATVs to trap, traumatize, tranquilize, tag, trace, and harass them nonstop year-after-year for “scientific” studies and TV ratings, my bet is that these animals, like every other species that gets loose here in Florida will not only prosper and multiply but they will flourish to the point that they'll be crowding out every other Florida life form, save the most invasive species of them all, we’uns.  

Burmese Pythons big enough to swallow a 500-lb. woman AND the fork lift she was hauled in on, African rats as big as full-growd coons infesting like the locusts of old Egypt, vicious fire ants by the godzillions. . . . it's worth a try, sez I.


What the Fork?—Bikers flattened by geezers . . . bikers attacked by Rotts . . . bikers shot by muggers . . . bikers stabbed by road ragers . . . WTF? 

Up the bay, down Punta Gorda way, a 24-year-old cyclist was just tooling merrily along the other day when he got into a verbal tiff with a motorist.  The motorist may have been tailgating, for when the biker pedaled off the road and out of immediate danger, the rager--one Juan Luis Fernando Armando Francisco Rodriquez Lopez Gonzalez Gomez Ruiz Hernando. . . . oh, whatever, Juan jumped out, pulled from his pocket a sharp fork (just kidding), then proceeded to carve up the unnamed, unarmed victim with his knife like turkey meat.  When Juan finally finished, the victim was down, but alive, but barely, and bleeding badly.  Since, among numerous other wounds, the biker was stabbed several times in the head, I suppose that means he was not wearing a helmet. 

Meanwhile, cops soon located Senor Rager somewhere close by trying to flirt with a convenience store clerk after he had cleaned off all the blood in the restroom.  Punta Policia read Juan his rights, advised him that as a “differently legal American” (illegal alien, as we used to say) he was entitled to not one, but two, free counsel-persons, entitled to a lifetime of free food stamps, entitled to free college tuition for his sixteen children as well as the three thousand children those sixteen children will spawn, entitled to free medical benefits for him and his wife who are expecting their 17th,  18th and 19th children in the next two years, and police also politely asked Juan to please try and behave while living, stealing and stabbing in this great country he has blessed with his presence.



Speaking of Helmets—Think about this my dear blogologists: From time immemorial, soldiers in combat have worn metal helmets to protect those personal computers we now call brains.  The Greeks and Spartans, the Romans, the Vikings, the Crusaders, the armies of the Middle Ages, the Spanish Conquistadors, Japanese Samurai, German Hessians and British Lancers, the soldiers of World War One and Two, and the troops of the present perpetual American wars.  With maybe the exception of American Indians on the warpath, in every age of combat, it seems, troops wore helmets . . . EXCEPT during the American Civil War.  What were they thinking?  Both sides during that mess either wore those little cloth kepis which looked very natty when tilted on the head, or French fezs with those cute tassels, or just simple brimmed hats to keep the sun out.  Of course, some troops during the American Civil War also wore red shirts.  I suppose they did this so that it would be even easier for the enemy to spot them, site them and shoot them.  Truly, this must have been the Age of Macho . . . Macho Madness.  With only cloth to protect the head, these troops might just as well have worn paper hats.   

I guess steel or bronze pots were just not in vogue during the American Civil War.  Hmmmm.  Makes one wonder how many good young men were killed because of that little fashion statement. . . .


Coming Tomorrow! (Or Maybe the Next Day! Or Whenever! Or maybe not coming at all!)
"GEEZER SLEEZERS" or, Those Zany and Outrageous Dirty Old Degenerates That We’ve All Come to Hate and Despise Are At It Again!


Caricature of the Day