Thursday, January 31, 2013

Killer Klowns

Over on the wrong side of the state, over at Kendall on the Atlantic Coast, Bartolo Gelsomino was just a hankering for a heap-big hamburger.  How hungry was Bart for a hamburger?  Well, he apparently was starving to death.  So. . . .

When Gelsomino yelled at the old lady to whip him up a burger, and make it snappy, Ana told Bart to get off his lazy ass and fix it himself.  Since these were not the words a starving maniac wanted to hear, nor were these words spoken in a manner a starving maniac wanted them spoken, Bart got off his lazy ass, walked to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, then killed his wife.  With that little matter out of the way, Bart went to work on that hamburger he so ravenously craved.   

Once his hamburger hunger had been thoroughly sated, Bart realized he might be in a bit of trouble for stabbing Ana to death.  Although the sassy bitch had it coming, unless he thought fast, Bart reasoned, that could prove one expensive hamburger.  And so, the hub tore the hell out of the kitchen, trying to make it look like a burglar had been extremely hungry for a burger as he was looting the place and when Ana had refused to fry him that burger the burglar had gone bonkers.  Bart would tell the cops he had seen it all. They would never guess, right? 

In near record time--maybe 30 seconds or less--this case was solved and Bart the mastermind murderer now lays on his lazy ass in jail facing a Murder Two rap.  The chow is gratis now, of course, courtesy of the county, but there are, alas, no hamburgers on the prison menu.  Poor fellow.

Bartolo Gelsomino is 78 and counting.  Bart’s ex-wife, Ana, was, is, and will now always remain, 71 forever.

Ah, life among the savages . . . never dull down here, never dull.

A couple of actual-factual names Michelle came up with, and one of my own:

Phil Flood, Water Use Regulator, South Florida Water Mgmt. Dist.

Dr. Toothman, dentist in her old home town of Monongahela, PA.  The good doctor’s farm is called, aptly, “Tooth Acres.”

Dr. Harms, my Grandma’s old doctor down on the Missouri/Kansas line.  “Hello, I’m Dr. Harms.  How may I harm you?  Ha, ha.  Just kidding.”

Klutzy the Klown

All that's missing is the red nose.