Saturday, December 04, 2010

Bad Ways to Die, Worse Ways to Live

Just when you thought it was safe to go outside. . . .

Over by Miami last week, a man was pulling weeds at a local golf course, minding his own beeswax, maybe humming a little tune to himself as he worked in the golden sun.  Don't know much about this gentleman.  He may have been a good father, or a bad father; might have been a faithful husband, or a sneaking cheat; maybe an asset to his community, or maybe a total drain on it. Whatever . . . Bam!  A bolt from the blue, rather, a golf ball from the blue.  He was forty-something.  He wasn't wearing a seat belt.  

Also last week, just south of here, a lady was struck by a car and severely killed as she was trying to help, not a chicken, but a duck cross the road.  At roughly the same time and the same place in Florida, a man was killed while attempting to avoid an alligator on the road.  No mention if the victim was in a car or walking. 

Back in the Fall I reported on an otter attacking a man a short distance from this island as the latter was taking a morning stroll.  As noted then, as noted now, the weird part of the story was not so much that an otter, that most fun-loving of creatures, would suddenly break from his busy schedule of frolicking in the estuary and being cute to go human hunting, but that the victim of the attack was a 97-year-old man.  Ninety-seven!  One might imagine that at three years shy of the century mark this nonagenarian would hardly be able to move, much less get out on a pre-dawn jaunt, yet here he was.  Last week, in the same place, we have word of another otter attack.  Since the MO was much the same as the earlier attack we must assume that a serial otter is at large.

No one said life was fair, but really?  How would you like to live a rich, full life, lots of awards and achievements, you've stayed out of jail, paid your onerous taxes on time, kept your fence up, your name is respected by friends and family, then wham!  You are brained by a golf ball, run over while escorting a duck across the road, or attacked and killed not by lions, tigers or bears, but by an otter, of all things.  No matter what good you have done with your life up until that point--Nobel Prize, curing cancer, solving world poverty--the most lasting memory of your life on this mortal coil will be the last event of your life: "Ralph? Oh yeah, wasn't he the one killed by an otter?"

A few months back I also commented on some character who was discovered masturbating at a local Wal-Mart.  This individual is back in the news.  Briefly, 28-year-old William Tyler Black, a former substitute teacher, was seen lifting a Sports Illustrated (Swim Suit Edition) off the rack in the Wal-Mart then slipping straight away into the acres of aisles.  An employee was working in the toy section when she overheard moaning nearby.  Upon investigation, the woman discovered Black furiously choking his chicken.  When he had finished, the miscreant was seen wiping something all over a Star Wars toy package.  There was also a mess on the floor.  Now unburdened by his overwhelming urge, the young man then resumed shopping as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. 

When cops finally arrived, they stopped young William and questioned him.  The culprit explained that he was in the store shopping for a toy to give his daughter.  Pretty quickly he admitted what he had done, said he was awful sorry, then offered to clean up his mess.  Black then confessed that his libido had gone through the roof after seeing several women in the store, but hey, what's a guy to do?

"I swear I'm not a pervert though," said Black.

William Black spent a month in jail and was then released.  The judge ordered the poor boy to undergo psychological evaluation.  Now, psychological testing may offer some insight into the minds of some folks, but such money spent on this wretch may be the most useless way this county can toss away its tax dollars.  Despite Black's hallucination, he is most definitely a "pervert."  He's that, I might add, and he's also a dangerous degenerate.  What's more, regardless of what the study may or may not find, Black should also be forced to wear a monitor for years and years to come, forced to take medication to reduce his sex madness, and/or he should be locked up forever, or until he is positively cured of his illness, which ever comes first. If not, does anyone with a brain doubt that this is a fellow to be heard from again in a vastly worse scenario?


Candy from the Past