Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Crinimals #2

Maybe we can’t fix stupid, or crazy, or pervy, or senile, but we can damn sure cure "cheater."

Florida Female Fun Fest--Over on the wrong side of the state, in Broward County, a 30-something wife walked in and discovered her husband (and daddy of her child) with a female business associate engaged in hard work.  Judging by the passionate embrace and the tight fit of their plumbing, the couple were hard at work alright, but their labor had nothing to do with the business.  And sooooooooo. . . .

It’s a sad state of discombobulation when women must carry a stun gun on their key chain for defense.  Well, surprise!   Some ladies actually use a tazer for offensive purposes.  The husband let slip his erotic embrace the very moment the volts reached his lower extremities and his main sex unit.  Over and over again, a totally outraged wife zapped, zapped and ZAPPED some more the cheating cad.  While the hub did his little chicken dance on the bed sheets, the cuckolding Jezebel made her naked flight out the window. 

With her unfaithful rat of a husband now more electrode than human, the wife turned her attention to the fleeing harlot.  Chasing her down, the outraged woman gave the deal-breaker some good old timey down home taze justice from her ray gun.  As the neighborhood looked on in disbelief . . . on her back, on her belly, on her butt, on her fake boobs . . . everywhere there was a spot, there the volts of justice sought satisfaction.

God Bless Florida. .  . . Gotta love it!

Where’s the Beach, Bitch?—Coming back on my bike ride this very windy morn, I paused just long enough to let a pedestrian-of-color finish crossing in the walkway over the south draw bridge before I rode across.  Our eyes met and I laughed, “Wind is blowing like a bitch today.”

“Bitch?”  smiled this new American from some Caribbean island. “Yes, bitch that way . . . waves very big, very angry today.”

Return of Confusion--Bad weather up north means that Florida’s cumulative age and confusion  level is rising rapidly now and getting way more old and addled with each day that passes.  The senile snow birds are flocking and fluttering down to the Sunshine State en mass.  No new reports of walls at malls being demolished yet but the demolishers are arriving daily with plenty more on the way.

You see them in the grocery stores, as per today, standing around with their mouths open, “confused,” blocking aisles and even doorway entries as they just stand there wondering where they are and how they got there. Just yesterday they weren't even here.  Although you don't see any new holes in the local post office wall (the old one is still there) you do see and hear the counter ladies almost yelling, very slowly, one word at a time, over and over, trying to hammer home to a bewildered octogenarian once and for all that, "MA'AM, IT WILL TAKE ANOTHER STAMP TO MAIL YOUR CARD. . . .  MA'AM, YOU WILL NEED ANOTHER STAMP. . . ." This went on for the entire time I was in the post office--about five minutes.

Two noteworthy notes while driving today.  1) A geezer got in the wrong turn lane and despite our best efforts to get his attention (myself and another motorist), the senile old fool managed to pull right out into traffic without killing any one.  I’m sure he never did realize his error.  2) Another fossil in a turn lane obviously became confused by the green turn arrow and just sat there frozen while a dozen cars, myself included, waited for him to move.  He finally did turn, but with only enough time on the green to get his own old butt through.  The rest of us had another five minute wait in the sun because of this senile senior’s confusion.  Had I been up closer, I would have surely unconfused him a bit with some horn honks but those closest to him—probably confused pterodactyls themselves--failed to toot-toot and we all just sat there like stone idols lost in time.

Cops and other younger folks who keep the streets safe and the lights burning down here must lose their minds at this time of year.  Truly, here in South Florida, the living dead outnumber the living.

Floridation—Three years ago I laughed at the native and semi-native Floridians like Michelle who broke out the stocking caps, scarves, gloves and thermals when the weather “dipped” down to a bone-chilling 60 degrees.  Ha.  Found myself wearing a sweater today as I ran around in Englewood and thinking to myself how nice it felt on a cool day like this.  Weather today is in the big 60s and small 70s.  Seems I have become acclimatized.

Photo of the Day