Friday, December 09, 2011

'Tis the Season. . . .

Out our front door, we have hundreds of walkers, joggers and bikers who breeze by on the beach road every day in their attempt to fight fat and get fit.

I have noticed that just around this time of the year—the day before Thanksgiving, the day before Christmas, the day before New Year’s--lots of folks (like the above) make their cameo appearance and try to shave off a quick stone or two in one day or less in anticipation of the upcoming Lard Holidays. One day after Thanksgiving, one day after Christmas, one day after New Year’s, one seldom sees these individuals again until the following year. Obviously, their appetite has once more planted its conquering jack-boot squarely on the throat of their will and the onset of another cycle of defeat, depression and guilt-eating is nigh. Poor people; their heart is in the right place but their stomach is captain of the helm . . . and a cruel captain is he.

I really do understand these folks who try to lose weight for I am one of them mostly, with one exception. Although I can gorge with the best of them, I seem to have been endowed with more than an average amount of will power. Whether it be food, tobacco, drugs, or drink, I have been able all my life to muster up the necessary will to turn on and turn off any and all addictions at my heart’s desire. They say that meth addiction is the worst of all addictions and that 95% of its users are hooked for good. If I were a meth user I am confident that I would be among the other 5%. Thus, through no fortune of my own, I know what a lucky, lucky person I am. And yes, how I do commiserate with the others.

Whatever, when it comes to addictions it’s not so much a question of “will” power, as Michelle’s mom was wont to say, but a question of “won’t” power.


Amazing—Over at Fort Lauderdale, Phillip Winikoff came up with a brilliant scheme. Seems poor Phil never quite got his fill of female breasts in his life, dang it. What to do? Should he surf porn? No, not that; he wanted his boobs up close and personal. Should he hang out at “Hooters”? No, not that; one might only gawk at that joint, and Phil wanted his “hands on.” Should he jump in and join the dating scene? No, not that either; too tedious and it would only be one rack at a time. And so, Winikoff came up with a novel idea--he would pass himself off as a physician; a physician who goes door-to-door and gives breast exams, for free!

After “examining” only a few fine “chesticles,” however, “patients” became suspicious when the “doctor” seemed to be taking way too much time with his tests and taking way too much pleasure in his work. Indeed, when Winikoff’s quivering hands moved to other parts of the victims’ bodies during the exam, there was no longer any doubt. Cops were called in and “Dr. Phil” was quickly “busted.”

Just last week, Winikoff was sentenced to a year in the “jug” for his sex scam. The shameless wretch will also serve 18 years probation. Okay then, when added up that means that Phillip Winikoff will be an even one hundred when his libido is finally released on society again since this pervert and viagra junkie is today a steamy 81-years-old! Surely, there has to be some kind of record here for Florida’s oldest active sex predator.


Times is Hard—What’s a poor boy to do? Stephen Michael Kelly thought he might drop by our local Walmart yesterday and lift a few items before his one o’clock parole hearing. Little did Kelly imagine that this would prove one very expensive shopping trip. When he was spotted pilfering the thief soon learned that “when the going gets tough, the cops get going” . . . er, “when the tough get going the cops get tougher” . . . er, “when the cops get tough the tough gets going” er, . . . oh, whatever! Kelly learned real fast that he had made a BIG mistake.

While tattooed Walmart freaks and sudafed-shopping meth addicts stood and stared in amazement, several puffing fat men chased Kelly out the store and into the parking lot. As he ran for his life, Kelly looked over to see and hear the first screeching cop cars make their appearance. Sprinting around the huge store the culprit dashed into a large field behind the building. With cops shouting, dogs barking, bullhorns blaring, sirens screaming, and the Charlotte County Air Force whirling overhead, the affair more resembled a big prison break from San Quentin than it did some two-bit booster engaging in a five-finger discount from a Florida Walmart.

When Kelly, now panic-stricken and gasping for air, was finally “cornered” between two homes the law closed in. But there was still some run left in the frightened thief. Spotting a canal, Kelly jumped head first into the gator-infested mess and swam for it. A few minutes later the moss- and mud-covered fugitive was spotted crawling from the canal looking more like the “Creature from the Black Lagoon” than a human. Cops quickly closed the distance. Finally, when the fugitive from justice made motions to fugit some more, a lawman brought out his Buck Rodgers Ray Gun and gave Kelly a tasing on the buttocks that he would never forget.

But really? Was a 74 cent candy bar and stick of beef jerky worth that grueling hour-long run and swim marathon? It depends.  If you are Steve Kelly, who sits now in the calaboose and is facing a 20K bond, the answer would be a definite "no."  If you are a taxpayer of Charlotte County that answer would also be an emphatic "no" since the $75,000 price tag to catch a petty thief is way over the top. If you are a Walmart freak or meth addict witnessing the free show, however, the answer would be a  resounding "yes."  Never a dull moment at Walmart.


Caricature of the Day