Sunday, January 12, 2014

Bad Santa, Bad Elvis, Really Bad Elvis

You know it’s a slow news day when the local fish wrap sends out a reporter and photographer to cover yet another Elvis impersonator who shows up at the local waffle house.

But, judging by the looks of the rowdy crowd above, it was another successful gig yesterday for the popular performer, Irving  R. Mandead of Sarasota.  Mandead, aka “Elvis,” was on hand to thrill old and young alike as he brought the electricity that was Elvis to those who had absolutely no idea what Irv was doing there and who all but ignored him as they continued to grind on their bacon, eggs and grits.  Irv, who has been mimicking Elvis for over a hundred years now, is a card carrying member of the local United Brotherhood of Teamsters, Pipefitters and Really Bad Elvis Performers. 

“Yes,” said Mandead as he smiled to the crowd and gave his best Elvis lip curl, “just mention ‘Elvis’ and the folks come out in droves.  When I get to appear before audiences like this, it makes it all worthwhile.  It gets me ‘all shook up.’ Also, it’s great to know that every time I perform it is proof Elvis isn’t dead yet.”

After seeing Irv’s cadaverous body and hearing his screeching voice, some might disagree with that statement.

Man.  If Mandead is any indication, these Really Bad Elvises, or Elvisi, seem to be getting further and further away from the bloated, pill-popping “King” we all came to know and ignore.  Irv has the drug addicted-look down pat but he is coming up at least two hundred pounds short of the actual white leather larva-like look Elvis perfected.  Also, Mandead looks like he has either been in a horrible house fire or he is 50 years older than even the real Elvis would be if he were alive now.