Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Fun With Fibs

The following article appeared in yesterday’s Englewood (Florida) Sun. . . .

Manasota Key (AP)—Local resident, Michael Goodrich of Manasota Key, awoke to a big surprise Monday morning, to put it mildly.

“I was having my first cup of coffee when I glanced out the patio door and saw it,” said Goodrich.

What Goodrich saw was a twenty-foot Burmese Python coiled in a palm tree above his back yard.

“I knew these things were down in the Glades,” said Goodrich, still visibly shaken by his encounter, “but I never imagined I would have one of them in my own back yard. First lizards and geckos in the house. Now this. What a place!”

“When we first arrived on the scene we spoke with Mr. Goodrich inside the home,” said Jason Lambert of the Charlotte County fire/rescue unit responding to the 911 call. “As you might imagine, he was pretty shook up. We noticed that Mr. Goodrich was drinking heavily from a large liquor bottle and his face was very pale, very ashy. His hands were shaking badly too and he was also talking sorta like ‘in tongues,’ you know, something like those religious sects do; just mumbling strange sounds, not really words. I guess he was in a total state of shock.”

For years Burmese Pythons have been spotted throughout South Florida, but never has this large invasive species been discovered so far north as Manasota Key.

“I guess the things have learned that they can swim across Lemon Bay and take root here on the island,” said Goodrich. “That pretty much does it for me and Florida. I’m out of here!”

Goodrich’s wife agrees.

“If we wanted to live around these huge monsters we would have moved to Burma,” said Michelle Goodrich. “I have an 11-year-old Boston Terrier that would be just a snack to one of these big things. We just can’t take a chance. Unlike Mike, I don’t mind snakes much.  But this thing is off the charts.”

The python was removed by professional trappers later that morning. Authorities are still discussing what to do with the animal.

(The above article is not true . . . yet. If such a nightmarish visitor swims Lemon Bay and takes up lodging on this island, however, as it is perfectly capable of, the above tale will be true. Should that happen, Michelle and I will be ever so outta here.)