Friday, March 01, 2013

Dope and Dopes

People don’t lead lives of “quiet desperation,” as some writer once wrote.  They lead lives of “screaming desperation.”  

Does any child think, “Hey, when I grow up I want to rob churches!” or “When I get big, hmmmmm . . . Cowboy? No.  Fireman? No.  Cop?  No. Wife-beater?  Hell, yes!”  or “I want to grow up and be just like dad, a convicted log-flogger at the beach.”

Roll out one Sonny Abreu.   Sonny needed money ‘cause . . . ‘cause . . . ‘cause . . . well, Sonny needed money ‘cause he had none.  Maybe Sonny needed dough to feed his fam (clear throat); maybe Sonny needed bread to pay off the mortgage (roll eyes, cough); maybe Sonny needed dead prez to help an orphan with his cancer treatment (clear throat, roll eyes, cough, hold sides, double up, fall on floor, roll around laughing).  Or maybe, more likely, Sonny needed hot scratch to buy a few more rocks of crack.  

Anyway, up near Orlando, Sonny watched as a differently-abled gentleman (a cripple in a wheel chair), with his little dog along for the ride, made a transaction at an ATM.  When the fellow was finished, our hero then simply strolled over, knocked both cripple and canine out of the chair, grabbed the payola, and made his getaway.  Sonny was too engaged running away and counting his cabbage to worry about pulling the victim out of the busy street where he lay helpless like a tortoise on his back.

I’m sure that when 24-year-old Sonny was a child he did not dream of growing up to be a despicable drug addict who kicked little dogs and beat up cripples, but that is what he became.  Charged with attempted murder, robbery, abuse of a disabled adult, and animal cruelty, seems in one fell swoop Sonny now has it all. 

Drugs are truly the Great Satan of our time.  If ever the devil had an earthly manifestation it is in the smoke of drugs and the actions of addicts.

Senior Soapbox—The “Letters to the Editor” in our local fish wrap are a mine of illiteracy, ignorance and senility each day and consequently they are a font of unintended comedy, mirth and amusement.  For most people, this is it--this is that proverbial fifteen minutes of fame; this is where they can strut their stuff, this is where they can see their name in print; this is where they can prove to the world what trenchant thinkers and witty writers they are.  Some of the mangled logic of these people is priceless.  These absurd, laughable attempts to look serious and philosophical look instead like some inane contest to see who can come off looking most oldest, most slowest and most dumbest.  Let’s call it the Daily Geezer Karaoke.

After prattling along for two nonsensical paragraphs about Obama and Hillary and prayer and communism and “the emperor who wore no clothes” and Benghazi and whatever, one upset fossilista, let’s call her Clara, gets to the crux of her argument (I guess):

As an elderly Christian, it is so sad to see our wonderful country become an immoral Communist country.  And it makes me remember how no one could understand how Hitler was able to do what he did.  But the ignorant people outnumbered the educated.  They allowed him to remove the Holy Bible and all of their guns.  Sound familiar?  Dr. Ben Carson was like a “voice crying in the wilderness.”  But, it’s going to take vigilance from all of us if we want God to bless America. 

Not sure what Ben Ghazi and Ben Carson “crying in the wilderness” have in common.  Not sure about “Communism” and “elderly Christians” either.  But dragging poor Hitler into the fray has long since become standard stock for these simple-minded seniles like Clara.  When the Clara’s of the world have no explanations for why the “wonderful world” they once knew has mysteriously gone to hell in a hand basket--whether it be from creeping communism or whether it be from a sewer back up down the block--might as well dump the load on Hitler. 

For Clara’s info, tho I’m sure it is pointless to point it out to someone as far gone as she is: Hitler did not ban guns; nor did Hitler ban the Holy Bible; nor did he ban smoking, drinking, thinking, or breathing.

What Hitler did ban, however--and I’m sure Clara will be eagerly angry to hear this--he DID ban free cheese; he DID ban bingo; he DID ban "early-bird specials"; he DID ban Lawrence Welk reruns; and Hitler, to his great credit, did ban senile seniors from writing irate incoherent "letters to the editor.”

Moral: When in doubt, blame it on Hitler.  No one will notice and you'll look way wiser than you really are.

Sinking Feeling--Up near Tampa, Janell Wheeler was in her living room last night. Joining the homeowner were four other adults, one kid and two dogs.  One of the men had just gone into the bedroom and conked off.  It was 11PM. 


"It sounded like a car hit my house," Janell said.

Despite the wild shouts and scrambling people, when he heard his brother scream for help, one of the stunned occupants ran into the bedroom.  Instead of finding his brother asleep on the bed, however, the man found a yawning black hole in the ground where the bedroom and brother had been and a mattress just sinking from sight.

As everyone fled the house, someone called 911.  The cops and rescue did arrive but there was no sign of life down in that big, black hole.  The opening by now had widened to 30 feet across at the surface but a hundred feet wide just below ground.

With daylight today, the home was still standing and there were not any obvious cracks or damage from the outside.  Authorities stated the obvious, however: The building was sitting on a large sinkhole

DAMN!  We all talk about a “bolt from the blue” and of being hit on the head by space junk as if all surprising deaths come from above, but . . . this sudden death from below is like being flushed down the world’s largest toilet.  Certainly the incident is a bona fide candidate for yet another “Horrible Way To Go.”


Europe, 2014