Scarcely a day goes by unless some lame-ass Elvis impersonator is performing at some VFW or shrimp festival here. Two are playing locally tonight alone. How original. Just once I would like to read that a Roy Orbison impersonator was appearing somewhere, or Glenn Campbell, or Ricky Nelson, or even that poor freak, Tiny Tim, or . . . but nope. Up pop three more “King” impersonators, and bad ones at that. It’s easier, I guess, to put on a black wig and white leather, then mumble some songs for two hours while tossing sweaty panties to the crowd, than to try on something new.
Murder! On this island road, up under the Spanish moss and banyan canopy, I got behind a black Mercedes that seemingly could not decide whether to push it up to 20 mph or throttle back to 10 mph. Since my bike cruising speed is 15 mph, that left me in a bind. But then, even though I had already done ten-plus miles and my legs were fading a bit, I decided to give it the gun and get around this frustration in front of me. I did manage to pass and as I looked over, what a sight. Mouth open, obviously confused, there sat this very old woman. How old? Well, had anyone shown me her photo earlier and the caption read, “World’s Oldest Near-Dead Woman Celebrates Her 119 Birthday Today,” not an eye would I have bat. That’s how old. Whoever let this lady have the keys to this car, be it relatives or be it the State of Florida, they should be held responsible for the tragedy to come. Looking on the bright side: Most ancient mouth-breathers like the above at least seem to uniformly drive verrrrrry slow. Can you imagine if they did not?
Chester in the Chicken Coop—A Punta Gorda family saw 24-year-old Roger Delacy shuffling homeless on the streets and decided to open their hearts to the stranger, as well as their home, their refrigerator, and, as it proved, their stupidity. Unbeknownst to the too-trusting parents, Roger soon began molesting the couple’s 11-year-old son. The creature was in the habit of coming into the child’s room at night and whispering that he was going to give him another lesson in ”sex education.” Delacy is in the county hoosegow now under $200,000 bond. Hopefully, some hardened cons are this very moment giving this Lester some "sex education" of their own.
One must truly wonder what could possibly possess two so-called adults to bring into their home a complete stranger under any circumstances, much less into a home with children (another child witnessed the acts but apparently was not molested). In a better place and time, this act of kindness may not have been such a stretch, but in this sex crazed and twisted sex world the couple should almost be charged with reckless endangerment of a child, as well as aggravated adult ignorance.
Sunshine State Siege--At times it would seem that Florida was simply not intended to support intelligent life forms. Hurricanes, serial killers, sinkholes, red tide, fire ants, brush fires, drug cartels, alligators, geezers, pit bulls, kiddie fiddlers, pythons . . . and now we Sunshine State swimmers are under siege by armadas of man-eating sharks. Some paralyzing images come to us from the wrong side of the state showing a million black tip sharks and others swarming just off the Atlantic beaches there. And by “just off” I mean just off, as in almost “on the sand,” as one life guard described it. The only silver lining as I can see is that anyone who dares those waters will more than likely never live to pass their stupid genes on to the next generation.
Little mention is made about this side of the state and the thousands of man- and woman-eating hammerhead sharks that patrol just off our beaches. As one marine biologist who studied this area was quoted, “I’ll never swim there again.” I’m sure that should someone get killed in the next few weeks, that event coupled with the red tide, will pretty much seal the deal that the state had for a rich tourist season in this the unlucky Year of Our Lord, 2013.
Biker Down—Another local biker was run over. A forty-five year old cyclist was seriously injured while biking at Cape Haze, just south of here. The car driver did not stop. From the sound of it, the “bike lane” was so narrow as to be almost non-existent. Of course, that describes most bike lanes in this area. Despite hundreds, even thousands, of us out every day under our own pedal power, the county and state obviously have bigger fish to fry. When the day comes and some drunk or "confused" geezer flattens a dozen or two in one of these biker groups that are so common, then we can expect the county to take some action, but not one day before
Resistance is Futile—Yet another old person was lured to their demise by the magnetic appeal of a canal. Over at Port Charlotte last week a 62-year-old man was pulled from the mossy mess with no signs of gator chomps, bullet holes or hammer blows to the coconut. There were, however, mysterious electrodes sticking from the dead man's head similar to radio antennae, suggesting that aliens hovering in UFOs are controlling our old people and leading them to their deaths in canals. That makes more sense, I think, than geezers lemming-like, just simply walking into canals and drowning. What on Earth--or Mars--is responsible for this fatal attraction?
Future Glide Ride