Thursday, January 03, 2013

The Savages Are Restless

Just back after a wild, weird, weener weekend of fireworks and dachshund dog parades (above and below) down at Key South.  Only a few near drownings and shark attacks marred the events but other than me getting into it with some mental who flipped me off, all, as a poet might pen, “went merry as a church bell.” Michael and Michelle return to Key North no worse for wear.

A few headlines that greeted your blogger upon his return; most of these from nearby North Port occurred in a single evening:

“Man charged with choking woman.”

“Man throws chair at mom.”

“Woman swings bat at man.”

“Naked man chokes dog.”

“Man bites deputy’s leg.”

It would appear that “man” had quite a night of it.  North Port is gaining a repertation . . . is gaining a reputashun . . . is gaining the repputashen . . . is getting to be known as THE RNCCC (Red Neck Capital of Charlotte County), and that is saying a lot.  Every night, it seems, the drunken dregs and drugged out zombies over there are engaged in some demolition derby with their vehicles or are out playing Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots where they beat, bust, pinch, pound, pulverize, strangle, shoot, stick, slice, slap, mangle, and, in general, mostly murder everyone—wives, husbands, kids, cops, dads, moms, strangers, everyone. 

It would take way too much time trying to explain the “cause” for each of the headlines above. Just let it be said that the causes were, without exception, as retarded and stupid as the idiots committing the retarded stupidities.

Move Over India—Seems like we are gaining on India.  India is still the only place on earth that I know of where the people are packed so tightly that a dump truck loaded with rocks can over turn and 36 people somehow manage to get killed.  India is still the only place I know of where a simple train wreck can kill 1,000 people.  India is still the only place where a small ferry sinking can be registered as one of the greatest nautical disasters of all time.  India is still the only place I know of where a house balcony can collapse and 75 people turn up dead. . . . Still the only place where a tree limb can fall and kill ten people.  But Florida is gaining. 

The other night, some tanked up dill weed went out and fired off a few rounds into the air to either usher in the New Year or chase out the old one. When the bullets came to earth, they hit not one but two people, an 8-year-boy and a 67-year-old woman.  Really now, had this gun been fired out in western Kansas or Nebraska, the odds of hitting ANY life form would have been 300 billion trillion to one.  Here in Florida?  Fifty-fifty.   With so many pit bulls running loose in this state too bad that at least one of the slugs did not smote one such mutt.

Eye in the Sky—Dave Zehntner was in the habit of flying over his ranch down here in South Florida whenever he returned from someplace up north. The route was right on his way to the local landing strip.  The other day, as Zehntner looked down proudly on his spread he saw something a bit unusual.  He saw a strange stranger strangely loading up his truck with the contents from Dave’s house.  Not only that, but as the plane circled and circled, coming lower and lower, Dave stared open-mouthed as the thief hitched up the family utility trailer parked nearby and filled that up too. 

You might think that with a plane circling noisily over head only a few hundred feet above ground that 59-year-old Gary Haines would have been spooked somewhat and might have made himself scarce by blending in with the scrub and saw grass.  But noped de-dope-dope.  Stupid is as stupid does.  Only when he was loaded and ready, did our criminal mastermind drive off with his ill-gotten gain, the plane following right overhead. 

As soon as Zehntner realized that the burglar was headed north on I-75, he landed his small plane and ran to call the cops.  Within half an hour the thief was sitting in the Charlotte County jail probably still wondering where his caper went wrong.   

It is a shame that we just don’t let people like Gary Haines go free in hopes that they beget and beget some more and pass on those criminal genes since it certainly makes law enforcement a much easier task.  There is dumb, and then there is damn dumb.