Friday, August 03, 2012

Gulf Coast Lust Alert!

Reports are rolling in from all our local beaches indicating that pedos, pervos, whackos, floggos, and lustos of all descriptions are out in force. 

Now that the Dog Days of August have arrived the acme of outdoor carnal activity is truly upon us. Local Lust Control units are working around the clock to curb the outbreak but they are undermanned and overwhelmed.  My sources also tell me that some of these anti-lust units have actually crossed over and joined the ranks of the lusters. There seems to be a coordinated attempt among the lewd and the lascivious to perv the public with such a tidal wave of aberrant, abnormal, disgusting, and degenerate activity that “normal” blue-nosed prudes like myself, as well as other fussy featherless bipeds, will just throw up our wings and say, “What the hey? . . . The steamers have won.  We can’t stop them. There’s too many of ‘em.  They win. We quit.”

In addition to the hundreds of monkey-spankers seen spanking their monkeys on the beaches, there are the usual list of couples coupling in public—male and female, male and male, female and female, its and its (those large tattooed amorphous things whose gender is not readily apparent)--who can’t resist and who must have a quick “dip” for all the beach to see. 

Ha.  A more modest couple, a homeless pair as it turns out, were caught by the Lust Patrol doing each other in the privacy of a gazebo, rather in privacy under a gazebo.  While those who reported them admitted that they were not able to actually see the two whacking, when they got real, real close they could hear them whacking.  Well gosh . . . golly . . . gee whiz . . . go figger!  Those with homes must do it outside, it seems, while those without homes must do it inside, or rather, under the inside.  I guess just ‘cause they are homeless don’t mean they can’t be modest.  Although forty-something Wayne Pizzolato and fifty-something Rita Brunsell were forced to forgo their amour they now have a home for the time-being, courtesy of the county lust prison.

One gentleman, a hearing and vocally different individual (“deaf and dumb,” we used to call him) was anything but visually challenged when he spotted a hot tamale on the Venice boardwalk the other day.  Aroused to the max, this chap eagerly--grunts, groans, graphic gestures, everything in his arsenal--tried to lead the lady from said boardwalk into the nearby sand dunes for a really quick “date” (rape, we used to call it).  Her virtue in tact, the woman fled the boardwalk and reported the incident to the nearest Lust Patrol.  

Nearby, another nature-loving gent sauntered into a community center naked as the day he fell off that turnip truck.  After a short stroll around the premises with his one-eyed weasel a waggin' in the wind, he put his bare butt back on his bike and pedaled away.

I could go on and on and on but. . . . (sigh).

This is It!--As the Batman movie was nearing its dramatic climax the other night over in Miami, some drunken fool in the back of the theater apparently couldn’t contain his enrapt anticipation and just had to yell out, “THIS IS IT.”  Well, to this idiot “it” may have meant the grand finale of a great movie but, with the Aurora massacre fresh on their minds, one might well guess what the folks in the dark theater thought “it” was.  The place was cleared in 1.5 seconds and, judging by the number of shoes still spinning around, most folks jumped right out of them.

As the “it” man found out pretty quick when three large hero types put an angry chicken-lickin’ on him and tied him into a human double-knot until police arrived, Freedom of Speech don’t mean the Freedom to Scare People Into Another Zip Code.  You might exercise your “right” and yell on a jet, “THIS IS A HIJACK” or “I’M TAKING OVER THE PLANE,” and you might exercise your Freedom of Speech by yelling “THIS IS IT” or “I’M GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOU” in a movie theater but one must understand that everyone else that you are yelling at also has the Right and Freedom to beat the living life right out of your stupid body if you do.

Geezers and Gators # 16—Up near Homosassa, 70-year-old George Hubbard was snorkeling on the Chassahowitzka River (I am not making these Florida names up!)  Now, why anyone calling themselves sane would swim, wade, dive, water ski, skinny dip, canoe, kayak, pole vault, or, for God’s sake, snorkel in ANY body of Florida freshwater this time of year is a riddle I am simply at a loss to answer.  But anyway . . . pretty damn quick a seven foot alligator had old George in his periscope.  Now, I assume a gator is like any other scaly, cold-blooded, meat-eating, prehistoric creature, i.e., he would much prefer a nice tender ten-year-old to a stringy old bird like George but hey, times are tuff even for prehistoric relics and food is food.  Before Hubbard realized what had happened he found his coconut, snorkel and all, clamped inside the gator’s hungry jaws. 

Funny.  Although George Hubbard is three score and ten no way was he willing to go quietly, gator or no gator.  Punching and jabbing the hungry beast in the throat over and over, George’s head, minus the snorkel gear, finally popped out.  From fast food to Olympic free-style swimmer, old Father Hubbard didn’t hang around trying to recover his dive stuff but. . . .  One may well imagine that George set some kind of super senior speed record exiting the Choosachoochee . . . the Chessticlewhouzitkia . . . the Chu . . . exiting the river.

Dog Days of August