Sunday, July 01, 2012

I, Food . . . or, My Life Among the Cannibals

Swords, baseball bats, golf clubs, fists, knives, guns . . . shaving soap?

Seems Craig Bowersox, 50, and his blushing bride--let's call her Wanda the Wonda--age 40, were having a bit of a tiff the other night just across the bay from us over in Pitbullville, a.k.a. Englewood.  Seems Wanda's boyfriend stormed into the Bowersox home and quickly reached an "understanding" with Craig by beating him half to death.  Seems when Craig finally got back from the ER that night, he dragged his wife out of bed and proceeded to get some serious payback by not just beating her half to death but by trying to beat her 100% to death.  Seems Craig first grabbed what was handy, in this case some shaving soap--shaving soap?  what did I say? yes, shaving soap!--then sprayed the woman's head with a thick layer of either lime or menthol lather no doubt in hopes of smothering her.  Seeing this was going no where, the hub  then plucked a golf club which just happened to be laying around and proceeded  to break it over his wife's hard head.  Tossing the now useless club away, Bowersox then began to pummel the victim with his fists.  When those two weapons too began to tire out, Craig snatched a sword from the wall and threatened to cut Wanda's damned head off. 

By now, the whole town was aware of the spat going on over at something-something Lakeview Lane and the cops---ho-hum---soon arrived.  In spite of Craig's plea that his wife was only getting what she richly deserved, the cops found Wanda an ambulance and then found her husband a jail cell.  Thus, in the space of an hour or two, Craig Bowersox had been beaten within an inch of his life and had in turn beaten someone else within an inch of their life; he had been admitted to the hospital and released and had been admitted into the jail and not released; he had used more deadly weapons on Wanda than Carter has Little Liver Pills and now--and the best part--when Craig gets out of the callaboose he still has his cuckolding two-timer wife and her curb-stomping boy friend to deal with all over again.  Splendid!


Not to be outdone by Englewood, two or three Port Charlotte idiots got into a fight after one of them accused the other of feeding peanut butter to his dog.  I doubt seriously if this argument began over the health and well-being of the pooch; it probably had more to do with the high cost of the spread ($3-5 for a modest jar down here among the savages).  This story is too stupid and retarded for me to try and sort out; let it be said, one of the principles got chased around high and low by another drugged-up maniac who was swinging a baseball bat, and the other crazed crack head was stabbed with a curved-blade knife by who knows who and who cares who?  And all over a stupid half jar of peanut butter.

From my interviews with cops I am beginning to know many of these guys and gals in blue.  I really would not blame them one iota if they simply sealed off certain blocks where crap like this happens virtually every night and just wait until the last damned cannibal is killed before going in.  No way will they settle these types of drug and booze related "disturbances." And no sense wasting the cop's life, his time, his gas, his bullets, or his taze volts on these whacked-out scrotum when there are real, honest and actual citizens in need of help.


Over at Deerfield Beach, Florida, two other drunken dead-enders were loafing in a puker park one night when one of 'em tried to bum a smoke off the other.  An argument erupted and pretty damn quick the bummee pulled a pistola on the bummer and blew a smoking black hole plum through his empty head. 

Such is life among the cannibals.  Peanut butter . . . a cigarette . . . some shaving soap . . . these strung-out savages down here in the swamps will cut your friggen head off for half a bag of Cheetos.  Or, as in the case of the Miami man-meat eater the other day, if they are feeling really uppity they will kill and eat you just for kicks.

Caricature of the Day