For one reason or another, Michelle and I often ponder cancelling our local fish wrap. Too far left . . . too far right . . . too much clutter . . . too many dead trees. . . . But then, we pause. If some junk in the rag is tedious, other junk in the rag is priceless.
Down by Naples, Florida, the other day, Margaret Webb was taking her daily stroll along a canal that bordered her home. The 90-year-old woman had creaked this path a jillion times and never once did she have a problem. This day was different, however. Before Margaret hardly knew what had happened, she found herself in a tug-o-war with an eight-foot alligator over ownership of her leg; after 90 years, Margaret had grown fond of the leg and was determined to keep it; hungry, tired of a diet of poodles and possums, the gator was determined to claim for himself the human drumstick. After a terrible battle, the gator won his bloody prize and sank beneath the murky surface. Mrs. Webb thereupon entered upon a new battle; this one to save her life. The severly injured woman was flown to the nearest hospital and at last report, the lady lives yet, but barely. Meanwhile, a professional has been hired to hunt and kill the gator as quickly as possible. The hope is that the victim’s leg can be retrieved from the gator’s gizzard and reattached.
Monday evening, over by Miami, a 53-year-old woman was sitting on her patio minding her own beeswax, just a chillen' and joyin' the weather. Her lazy cat lay nearby. Now, cats may not be the brightest bulbs in the animal kingdom, but no one will ever accuse them of being suckers. Cats seem born with an innate suspicion of everything and anything and in a pinch, a cat will not rely on a human for jack squat. Nope, a cat can save its own bacon without any help, thank you. Thus, when two loose pit bulls stormed onto the scene looking for something small and slow to kill, the cat was up the tree quicker than you can say “Osama bin La. . . .” And so, if the disappointed pits could not find something small and easy to kill, they turned their attention to something large and a bit more difficult to destroy. By the time the frantic woman made it into the house she was a bloody mess. When cops arrived, the hounds naturally attacked. The result: Miami cats and humans have two less “loose” pit bulls to worry about.
Not to be outdone, an “out of control” human pit bull slugged a policeman who tried to evict him from a homeless shelter up in the Florida Panhandle. Seems the homeless sapien, 31-year-old Karim Bien-Aime, had earlier fought with shelter staff members and when he would not leave the vexed staff called the cops. After sucker punching one of the cops, Bien-Aime then grabbed the officer and began gnawing on his head. From the sound of it, seems Karim was one hungry cannibal and he apparently would have eaten the cops head right down to the shoulders had not another policeman nearby given the maniac a healthy jolt from his Buck Rogers ray gun. The only good thing to transpire from all this is that Karim, with all that juice coursing through him, fell and hit his worthless head hard on the curb. A pity the fall was not fatal--tax payers picked up Karim's hospital tab.