Thursday, February 10, 2011

"Polly Wanna Pistol"

Michelle's son and daughter-in-law picked us up at the Tampa airport Saturday night. 

The next evening, Super Bowl Sunday, as Matt and Danielle were at home in their Tarpon Springs gated community commiserating over the loss of their beloved Pittsburgh Steelers, they heard a series of sounds like firecrackers.  A bit later Matt discovered a neighbor laying in his driveway, shot multiple times, execution style, dead as man can be.  The victim was a 33-year-old karate instructor.  Now, Tarpon Springs is certainly not Miami, or even nearby Tampa. No, it is a quiet, picturesque place on the Anclote River and, unlike most of Florida, this tourist destination has real flavor and personality with its numerous Greek restaurants and sponge boats.

"It's usually nice and quiet and peaceful," one of Matt's neighbors told the press.

"We live here because it's crime-free," said another neighbor.

Correction--the community WAS crime-free.  Last month, an elderly couple were also murdered in Tarpon Springs.  The case remains unsolved.

Small wonder then that so many Floridians, even in the better communities, are not only demanding "electric bleachers" instead of electric chairs, but are also packing pistols . . . and parrots.  Parrots?

Just north of us, in Manatee County, two sneaks tried to break into a woman's apartment.  When they failed they quietly slipped across to another apartment. As the woman followed the men from her upstairs window, she saw the thieves suddenly bolt and run like the devil was after them.  Turns out that the would-be burglars panicked when they heard loud voices inside.  In this case, however, the home owners were gone for the night but their parrots were holding the fort.

"Squawk! . . . Go ahead punks . . . Squawk!  Make our day!"

Pit bulls in the News:  A South Florida lady and her little dog were enjoying a nice sunny stroll the other day when they were attacked by two pit bulls which had gotten loose (is there any other kind of pit bull other than a "loose" one?).  Though both survived, they did so just barely.  Same day, over at Fort Lauderdale, a macho man was walking his pit bull when he was attacked by two teacup poodles (just joking).  The man did not have any parrots to scare the mischief-minded mutts away but he did have a pistol.  Today, there are two less loose pit bulls in the world.

I received this urgent appeal in my ton of worthless emails this morning:


I'm writing this with tears in my eyes,I came down here to London
United Kingdom for a short vacation and for a very important meeting
unfortunately.  i was mugged at gun point last night, at the park of the
hotel where we lodged all cash, credit cards and cell were stolen off
me, thank God we have our life and passport. I've been to the embassy
and the Police here but they're not helping issues at all, they asked
us to wait for 3weeks but we can't wait till then. My flight leaves in
less than 3hrs from now and am having problems settling the hotel
bills. am so freaked out at the moment. I need you to loan me $1,750 to settle the hotel bills and also get a cab to the airport.. I'll def refund it back to you as so as i get back home tomorrow.. You can wire the money to me through Western-Union all you need is name on my passport and location below. As soon as it is done, kindly get back to me with the confirmation number and let me know if you are heading to the WU outlet now?

Bill & Francia Hawkins
(address and numbers omitted)

While I sincerely hope that "Bill" was indeed mugged and beaten within an inch of his life, this is my reply:

Of course, Bill, I would be happy to loan you the money. In fact, please forget about paying me back; I would love to just give it to you as a gift since you seem like such a nice, wonderful fellow and helping out a complete stranger in tough times makes me feel real good about myself. Maybe we can arrange to meet some place where I can just hand over the money to you? Look forward to meeting you Bill, you worthless POS.


Scary clown of the Day