Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Dallas Devil Diary

May 10th:

Just moved to Texas! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

May 22nd:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

May 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

June 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

June 15th:

Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ole sun in a climate like this.

June 20th:

I missed Tom (my cat) sneaking into the truck when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot truck at noon, Tom had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The truck now smells like Friskies and Cat S--t. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ole Mr. Sun strikes again.

June 25th:

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

June 30th:

Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $400,000 house and I can't even go inside. Tom is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

July 4th:

It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state. It was not meant for human habitation. Give it back to the fire ants and scorpions!

July 8th:

If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

July 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my butt was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and can . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

July 10th:

The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do jack squat for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this furnace.

July 18th:

Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the truck. The installer came to fix it and guess what the first words out of his mouth were??? "Hot enough for you today?" My friend had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write more later when the trial is over.

(The above--with a few adjustments--was forwarded by a Dutch friend. Although some other poor devil composed it, the sentiments pretty well square with my own. Like General Sheridan once said, "If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and move to Hell.")

 Caricature of the Day