Up at Sarasota, a gentleman was merrily chopping wood at one of the numerous homeless camps that enliven this sun and fun beach resort town. Perhaps as he worked, our woodsman was even singing that old Monty Python ditty about the life of a brawny lumberjack.
LUMBERJACK:
I'm
a lumberjack, and I'm okay.
I sleep all night and I work all day.
MOUNTIES:
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
I sleep all night and I work all day.
MOUNTIES:
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
LUMBERJACK:
I cut down trees. I eat my lunch.
I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea.
MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch.
He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he goes shopping
And has buttered scones for tea.
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
LUMBERJACK:
I cut down trees. I skip and jump.
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars.
MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps.
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around in bars . . . (some confusion)?!/?
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
I cut down trees. I eat my lunch.
I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea.
MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch.
He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he goes shopping
And has buttered scones for tea.
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
LUMBERJACK:
I cut down trees. I skip and jump.
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars.
MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps.
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around in bars . . . (some confusion)?!/?
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
Unfortunately, at the same time
as this was going on, 57-year-old Michael Joseph Silva was nearby rolling in
the weeds, trying to get some shut-eye.
LUMBERJACK:
I cut down trees. I wear high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie,
Just like my dear Papa.
I cut down trees. I wear high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie,
Just like my dear Papa.
OHHHH . . . I'm a lumberjack,
and I'm okay.
I sleep all night and I work all day.
I sleep all night and I work all day.
When the lumberjack refused to quit his chopping and screeching as ordered, Silva charged the crooning chopper and took a angry swing. The singer dodged and the fist missed. Spotting a machete nearby (seems ALL hobo jungles in Sarasota have machetes laying close at hand), the enraged attacker gave a mighty Paul Bunyan chop of his own in hopes of detaching the lumberjack’s yodeling head from his chopping body. Once more this jack-be-nimble was quick and he ducked the main blow, though he did receive a small slash on his head.
Now thoroughly convinced the sleepless attacker meant business, our lumberjack had the good sense to flee the scene posthaste and call 911. Today, the attacker lays on a Sarasota County cot getting those ZZZZZs he so desperately needed and the would-be victim is back, it is assumed, chopping his wood and humming his tranny tunes.
After this incident and the machete head removal of a few months back (“When the Fit Hits the Shan,”1.9.12), one thing seems clear to me: If you are planning on becoming a homeless vagabond any time soon, and if you value your cabeza, steer clear of the “Anger Mismanagement and Decapitation Capital of Florida,” Sarasota.
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Great Balls of . . . Trash—Senior Sanitation Engineer (garbage man) Bob White was perhaps also whistling a little tune the other day as he merrily blew up I-75 with a full load in his Multi-Functional Waste Management Vehicle (trash truck). Suddenly, a driver in another lane motioned for Bob to look behind. In the mirror, Bob realized that his trash truck (Multi-Functional Waste Management Vehicle) was on fire. Bob didn’t get to be a top garbage man (Senior Sanitation Engineer) for nothing. Parking the fiery mess, Bob then dumped the whole load on the side of the road where it quickly began to ignite the surrounding countryside. Although the action saved the truck, the action also threatened to engulf the entire State of Florida in flames since there is a no-burn drought notice hereabouts and everything organic is kindling dry. Clearly, this waste was not managed too well.
Whatever, the local fire department reached the scene and the five tons of flaming garbage were doused and the Waste Management Specialists (trash men) were compelled to put the mess back in the truck again. Just don't seem fair, do it?
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Genes Never Sleep—Seems Tampa jailbird Marcus Hunt learned his lesson while behind bars and this poor boy couldn’t wait to get out so he could show society that he was gonna go straight . . . straight to stealing again. Hunt surely set some sort of criminal track record when almost the minute he hit the street as a free man he . . . well, what did he do? He exercised his new found freedom by conking some chap right on the block and stealing his bike. Since this occurred within sight of the jailhouse. . . . Sixteen minutes after his release, Hunt was rebooked and behind bars again. That’s not much turn-around time but hey, times is tough here in Florida, not just on the law-abiding, but also on the law-breaking. Man’s gotta eat. . . .
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